I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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