I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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