haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It's blow job season.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
