i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
