mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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