apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
