M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
