I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
