So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
