theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
