Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
