fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
