she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
