no, he came in my armpit
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
