a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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