The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
