Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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