The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You dont lie about slip and slides
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
