I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
