are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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