Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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