My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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