I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
