hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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