Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
