First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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