Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
