Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
