I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
