when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
