Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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