i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
