Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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