I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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