his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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