What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
