Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
