Where is the hickey?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
BRING THE BAGELS
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
