i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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