My sheets look like a crime scene.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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