I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
