Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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