He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
