Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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