she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
