the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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