I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
