Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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