I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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