brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
