Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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